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Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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1:14 pm - i seemed to forget the warmth of the sun
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it's been great to finally talk things out, and be able to communicate without feeling threatened in any way. i can see many happy days of relaxing and fun ahead. maybe even some cotton candy, even though i prefer caramel apples, and i know you do too.
im so excited about going to school next year. taking the year off was the first decision ive ever made on my own, and it's actually working out. im so anxious to get back to school that when i do i will love it, and hopefully live a little more.
moving out will be amazing. finally time to myself, and time to spend with people i care about.
we will have a fun evening of movies and boozing(for those who do) a week or so after im settled in. fun times to be had by all.
im thinking of getting a hampster. i will miss fatcat so much that it makes me cry already. poor kitty.
anywho, i miss jackmack, and if you read this, feel free to call me anytime! chris and i have been wanting to hang out with you!
im getting mars volta today because ive been craving it...oh yes.
with love
xoxoxo
current mood:  content
current music: at the drive-in
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| Friday, September 12th, 2003
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3:36 pm - i woke up inbetween a memory and a dream...
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im working my life away
but in a sense it feels good
i actually really enjoy working there, because im constantly busy and making people smile(even though i secretely loathe them)
ive realized i will eventually come to hate all of our kind, but for now i only really hate bad tippers, people who cant remember what they ordered, and whiney assholes who i work with.
pros: gain back some muscle mass from lifting and walking all day
time to think to myself
moneys
visitors
cons: not being able to eat anymore, im starting to hate food
losing weight from above statement
working doubles...10am-11pm(orso)
not seeing my family or friends as much as id like
tonight: jen and i tackle the brownie obsession, and i get her a jizzob at fridays, shopping for niece, shopping for caitlin(yes!), biggie size with andrew, and snuggle time with christopher!!! going to be an awesome night.
current mood:  tired
current music: tom petty
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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2:28 pm - jobbyjob
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finally got a jobbyjob at friday's
thursday 4:30-close
friday 10:00-5
saturday 4:30-close
sunday 5:30-close
my life is offically over.
except monday we leave for seattle...word...so ill have 10 days off from work and i just started. swede.
VAGina(get it?) junction what's your function?
takin in sperm and spittin' out babies.
i love it when you call me big papa.
current mood:  determined
current music: biggie smalls, say dig
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| Monday, August 4th, 2003
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12:20 pm - aint no thang but a chicken wang
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i didnt go to montreal...bastards
i did babysit though, which was fun.
going to seattle aug 23rd!!
current mood:  anxious
current music: built to spill
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| Friday, August 1st, 2003
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8:08 am - oh, you miss your mommy eh? no i do not miss my mommy..BLAST!
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so a much needed get away coming up. i either leave today or sunday for montreal. it all depends on if mike and heather can find a babysitter for saturday.
im STOKED
watched Boys N the Hood last night with Chris.
Compton is the city im from, cant leave my house without a murder weapon!!
mothafucker!
anyway, smarterchild can kiss my ass. fucking asshole. you cant even keep a coherant conversation going on with the fucking thing for more than a minute.
youre like: so what up foo?
smarterchild: really? wow that's amazing.
FUCK YOU! dont ever come out of your stupid building with the clean room in Cali(thats what it tells you if you ask it where it lives).
i used some hand lotion stuff from our cubby thing, and now my hands smell like diaper rash stuff.
speaking of Cubby, i miss the little cutie. i will get a kitten. WILL.
i would like a pair of all black converse shoes. i hope my paps gives me mad loot to by crazy shit in montreal!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
<3Caitlin
current mood:  excited
current music: built to spill
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| Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
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3:38 pm - why wont you take me away, so far away
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everything is overwhelmingly dissapointing.
except...
ive become attatched to JJ.
he is never dissapointing.
NEVER.
i need my own JJ.
maybe, a hampster...or a brand new KITTEN.
cubby. i miss him. i will take him back. i will conquer.
panera with joe tonight. i miss joe.
bill goes to kentucky thursday
chris goes to new york friday
caitlin gets a job, and babysits mini-mike saturday.
qualtiy time with the godson.
WHO ARE YOU???!!!!????!!!!
current mood:  aggravated
current music: now that's propah son
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| Monday, July 21st, 2003
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12:24 am - i miss you when youre around
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everything has been pretty great lately. bike rides add lots more greatness as well.
im just really scared. i havent been spending enough time with my dad. i should. and im going to.
mary is leaving for school in a few weeks. and ill miss her. a lot. we're going to write to eachother. and im going to visit her. she is an amazing girl, and i love her for it.
the past is still the past, and the present is moving on. strange cycle.
im going to check out the dog grooming place tomorrow, and see if theyll hire me full time.
ive been feeling inspired lately, by various things. i havent been able to go about acting upon these inspirations. i need a room to just let it all out in. i work best when im alone or one on one. it's easier to act with emotion that way.
i wish people werent so fucking grumpy lately, ie twinky.
nigel, email me!
<3
current mood:  creative
current music: modest mouse "baby blue sedan"
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| Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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12:04 pm - i didnt say anything crazy lady
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reading old notes can really brighten up a day. youre looking for something particular in an old box, and find something you forgot about...you read it, and you feel almost vulnerable. it's the good kind.
on days you feel like shit, you should just read some old notes, if youre the kind to keep them. i never thought this would help, but it really does.
the loneliness that's been invading my other emotions is finally starting to go away. im just coming to realize i have nothing to lose, really. i worry and i worry, but what's to worry about when there is nothing but the same or better ahead of you? it's just not worth it anymore.
FUCK IT
And now I see how it was and what it will be
How all around me the horrors of everything that was is
The deepness of things we wish to call tragedies
The blackness of ones inner most secrets revealed without question or concern
For these did not know of others punishments they had created
The wickedness that spoils great fields of beautiful things
Once seen and felt but now forgotten
Those who took nothing of others emotions into consideration
But destroyed all possibilities of ever recreating softness in those blackened fields
As I descended into this great dust I could not escape heartbreak
They who had betrayed felt no pity from my soul
And those who whither in their own darkness did
How my hands trembled in great fury for I wished only vengeance
The sickening cloud of self-lust covered my body for me to inhale
How could they not ask for absolution but only envelop their affliction
Needing no more but seeking to understand I wished upon a familiar face
And my wish was granted
His body hung there, noosed
His need for that rush of instant satisfaction ranked the air
This man through excessive rapaciousness brought upon his own deficiency
And did not think to live in cleanliness
So took his life forgetting harm done to those so dearest to him
How his punishment does not just exist to him
Darkness creeps into the minds of those lost in the filth of mud
Left behind
Beside he his accessory to pain dangled
The great marks on her starved arms spoke enough to me to not want to understand now
Only I had wished and my wish was not forgotten
Not noticing my presence made me realize how they will not remember
Those days when their flesh was still real
And how their little loves only saw them through merciful eyes
Forgiving them when they need not be forgiven
Miles to a fix with the little not far behind on his turning wheels
To only be sure of her safety
And how now they strive
How I know he wishes for those endless fields of flowers
Where his darkness can disappear into the gentleness of it all
I do not understand his mercy
They who had not thought once of their own selfishness
Will never even try to remember him
But will forever crave that adrenaline pushed into their veins
Still leaving their loves in gloom
All around me I see the thing that lurks in us all
In those times of loathing
And the punishment which one creates himself and descends into at the calling
Forever these souls will seek nothing but what had brought them here
And that is what they will feel ‘till that day, the last
And as my wish had been granted once it was again
For those two thieves remembered, long enough, to understand what they were forgetting
I could feel their cries, for they could not speak
Only I knew it would not last forever
I could only see for that instant what they should have been feeling before they took their lives
I was lost in these great emotions
And would paint those lovely fields for those who could not return to them
How they deserve so much more than what they were forced to forget
Their own happiness in the light seeming to never exist
How easily they seem to forgive
current mood:  pessimistic
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| Monday, June 30th, 2003
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11:24 pm - YOU ARE SO CRAZY
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swimming
getting my tan on tomorrow
28 days later...epidemics, zombies, blood, fucking BAD ASS
i fucking hate when i hear an old song i like on the radio, and they announce the band, and then i get home and i forget. i have the memory of a fucking fish.
caitlin swims to one side of tank, and forgets where she came from, so she swims back.
just like jerk face.
the poor fishy
JERK FACE IS THE COOLEST FISH EVER. DONT MESS WITH HIM, OR ILL (stabbing motion) KILL YOU .
our next guest likes swimming, and being in a bowl...it's a FISH!
current mood: sleepy
current music: PIG DESTROYER
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| Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
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3:35 pm - ladi da
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i need a little pre weekend get away, perhaps my mom's. ill just bring some shit just incase.
it's too nice out to be moping around my house, so im going to drive somewhere.
i have to urge to just drive, and leave everything, including my precious cell phone, at home.
we all know that will happen too. most definitely.
I AM SO OUTGOING AND I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!!!!11111!!
current mood: sad
current music: outkast "bombs over bagdad"
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1:21 pm
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it's way too hot out.
i just sat in traffic for a good hour and 1/2, and i thought i was going to pass out.
i was hoping chris would call so we could go get some ice cream tonight, but no chance there.
im going to take a nap and hope someone calls me, so i dont have to pester my cousin again tonight.
she hates when i go over and i just sleep.
sleeping fixes a lot of problems...
snooz
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| Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
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9:14 am - h to the izzo
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my dad is sick. i feel bad.
i would like to play catch today, so hopefully andrew isnt too busy.
awesome shows this weekend.
boogy-oogy-woogy till you just cant boogy no more.
current mood: awake
current music: radiohead
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| Saturday, June 14th, 2003
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12:35 am - parties and haircuts
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saw converge tonight, insane, have a beautiful bruise on my thigh. chris got nailed in the head with the mic stand and has a huge bump and had blood dripping down the side of his head...fucking brutal...hot.
anyway, good times had by all. seeing edwin and brigitte tonight, and going to a show together made me feel really good.
now to watch the converge DVD for a bit, and then get some rest.
tomorrow: try to get a haircut, and birthday party.
"*&%$@!&*, and you KNOW theyre talking shit about you"
current mood: happy
current music: negative
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2003
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10:44 am - and i wonder...when i sing along with you
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so you srart out thinking about how freaky the sky is...youre looking out past the earth, there's this clear spherical gas protecting us from floating out into nothingness. but is it really nothingness? anyway, so youre like, damn, this is crazy. im looking at balls of burning gas and planets and neat shit like that. then you start to think about how fucking scary it would be to be in one of those astronaut suites and just randomly break loose from your spaceship and just float away, until your O2 depleats and you die and your body floats to some god aweful place where they eat our bodies, only we dont know about this place yet...obviously...it's like blah blah light years away, and so it's already happened only we dont know it, and shit like that. so youre like..fuck would i go to heaven? because i am out in the boonies, God is technically in the sky, yah know? like in the pictures..anyway, so you think...what if i die, and it's nothing. like nothingness. we dont know what that is, obviously. do i think? do i know nothingness? then youre like, fuck that shit...God is in the universe, too. OBVIOUSLY he created it, because there is no fucking way nothingness is what happens after death. people see that light and shit. youre like "grandma!!"...only she's like 8 or 9, like in jail bird. so she doesnt know it's you or something.
anyway, so youre all fucking messed up and shit, thinking about this. then you wonder, what is everything anyway? like, what the fuck really DOES make the grass green, and the sky blue? who even says anything is color, and we're not just like little ants to some other creature that we dont even see because we're too busy trying to make a pile of food for the grasshoppers so they dont eat us?
the matrix or some shit.
how do we know the machines didnt make the matrix movie only to trick us into thinking we're not really in the matrix but we are?
but then there's like, meterology. we think we can predict shit all the time. like the crazy hobos and their signs, "the earth is coming to an end in like 5 minutes or something". and maybe it does only we dont know it because we're like blah blah light years behind it?
anyway, it's like how we feel connected to the ocean. i think most everyone does. and you go and feel peaceful or some shit like that, and youre like "i love being near the ocean it smells wonderful and shit". then you start thinking about how maybe the big bang theory is true and we came from some molecules in ocean that once was the whole earth until the sun started drying shit up and underwater volcanoes errupted to form what we know as "dirt" or "soil".
and who the fuck thought up language anyway? why cant we be telepathic like the aliens, since they dont have mouths and shit...and youre like, shit that sucks they cant eat fucking cheeseburgers.
then you get into some dumb arguement with a friend over existence, and how animals dont have a thought process, they just react by instinct and some shit, so there for they dont know they exist. they dont fucking sit there on the couch and ponder why theyre alive, and what their meaning on earth is. no, they fuck, eat, sleep, and look out for cars. duh, yes we have those instincts too, but it's like..everyone reacts differently. we have a thought process that goes along with our instincts. in one instance you have the chicken who flinches and gets scared and shit...theyre afraid to die. in the other instance you have the "i dont care if i die" person who just doesnt give a fuck.
originally we were no better than any other animal on earth, we acted with pure instinct, and basically no thought process...then we disovered jewelry and shit, and started thinking it was cool to bury people. some animals just catch on quicker.
like squirrels. come on...how stupid can they be? how many squirrels do you know, that run out into the street and actually run towards the car to commit suicide? i havent seen any, i only read about a frog who could live forever and tried to get run over by a wagon every day of his fucking miserable life, because he was in the book "tuck everlasting" and he fell in the fountain of youth or some shit.
if you take a baby, stick him in a white room, with no windows/human contact. but he gets fed and shit...then you let him out one day, and give him a gun...what does he do with it? nothing, he doesnt do shit. he gets scared, and depending on his not-so-there personality, which all animals have, he might try to attack the people, or just coward away in a corner and try to get back in his white room. does he care if he dies? no, he doesnt know what death is, he cant even speak. he doesnt know he exists.
existance is known through recognition.
anyway, so youre all fucking worked up by now and feeling a little crazy, and you want to start thinking about how weird the internet is, but then you realize you need to use the restroom, and go, and forget what you were thinking and hopefully watch a good movie.
current mood: predatory
current music: foo fighters "everlong"
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9:23 am
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watched old school with some cool kids last night. funny movie.
picked up my year book, i look like shit, but it's expected.
i want to go get a bagel, but im too tired to even drive there.
graduation tonight...finally.
7:00
whatevs
homeslice
current mood: hungry
current music: converge "dead"
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| Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
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10:39 am - close call
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so we get into pairs of 4 with anyone we want...of course im the last person standing "anyone want to be in my group, since it doesnt fucking matter, we all get our diplomas and leave" and i end up with 3 girls i recognize but dont care for. snotty bitches....anyway....we get inside and i see tim and he tells me he's with meaghan, cody, and chris...so we boot chris and send him on his way(well tim did this for me)to the michelle group, and now im with cool people....thank god. this was a fucking disaster. they also decide theyre going to change the banquet for the baseball players, so all the non-sports fans start flipping out...it was fun. boring. it will be over thursday.
thursday: graduate and senior party
friday: converge
saturday: many parties, get father's day gift
sunday: father's day
monday: get a f'in job
some of the digital pictures from the prom actually came out okay.
chris is such a hunk!!!
current mood: meh
current music: magnetic fields-your long white fingers
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7:17 am - wake me up before you gogo
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school! yay!
oil change! yay!
hopefully see finding nemo! yay!
i had that awkward sleep where you can hear everything that is going on in your house, like youre not really sleeping but you are. if fucking sucks. i feel like i didnt sleep at all. i sat on the bridge of 93 from storrow to the tunnel for an hour and 15 minutes. no one to call, or no one willing to spark conversation. i really wanted to get out of my car and jump off the bridge. luckily loveline was on, because in any other circumstance i would have flipped out. maybe ill take a nap today, and do some laundry or something. yay!
shit's crazy!
current mood: pissed off
current music: nothing motherfuckers
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| Monday, June 9th, 2003
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12:16 pm - GO
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so i just made myself get up...
it's about 12:15
this whole sleeping and being tired all the time and losing weight isnt fun.
my plans for today are ruined
it fucking blows outside
Well, you say that I treat you like a book on a shelf
I don't take you out that often
'Cause I know that I completed you
And that's why you are here
That's the reason you stay here
How awful that must feel
You said you'd be my dream
I could have you every night
And if by morning I'd forgotten you
Well, no big deal, that'd be all right
'Cause you're the re-occuring kind
You are the re-occuring kind
You never really leave my mind
Are you the love of my lifetime
'Cause there's been times I've had my doubts
We were just kids when I first kissed you
In the attic of my parents' house
And I wish we were there now
I took so long to figure out
What this book has been about
Now I write when I'm away
Letters that you'll never read
You said go explore those other women
The geography of their bodies
But there's just one map you'll need
You're a boomerang you'll see
You will return to me
You will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will.
Because if you don't then this book's all lies
If you don't then my plans would all be ruined
If you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before
And I just won't have a future anymore
current mood: disappointed
current music: converge
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2003
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8:51 pm - i like to copy monique
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Name: Caitlin
Do you like it?: meh, it's okay
Nicknames: snugglebutt, meteorolabitch
Screen names: kaytay36
Age: 18
Birthday: jan 12
Sign: capricorn
Location: bostonish mass
School: graduating high school june 12th
Status: loveshack
Crush: superimposemyfistonyourface
Virgin?: strawberry shake
Natural hair color: dark brown
Current hair color: brown
Eye color: poopoo
Height: 5'6"ish
Birthplace: meth-town
Shoe size: 9-10
Bra size: XXX
[ family ]
Parents: eileen, gerald
Siblings: mike, jay, rob, frank, melissa
Live with: daddio
Favorite relative: uncle bob
[ favorites ]
Number: 33
Colors: red, black
Day: thursday
Month: october
Song: intent to pacify, engine down
Movie: forrest gump
Food: italian
Band: not too sure
Season: fall, summer
Sport: basketball, or softball
Class: english
Teacher: ever? mr brouder, this year mr roache
Drink: shirley temple
Veggie: tomato
TV Show: CSI
Radio Station: lately, FNX
Store: urban outfitters, wild oats
Word: (even though it's two) reverse peristalsis
Animal: pigs, horses
Flower: tulip
State: havent traveled enough to decide
[ this or that ]
Me/You: you
Coke/pepsi: pepsi
Day/night: night
Aol/aim: aim
Cd/cassette: cd
Dvd/vhs: dvd
Jeans/khakis: jeans
Car/truck: car
Tall/short: tall
Lunch/dinner: dinner
NSYNC/BSB: nsync
Britney/Christina: christina
Gap/Old Navy: old navy
Lipstick/Lipgloss: lipgloss
Silver/Gold: silver
Alcohol/Weed: neither
[ love and relationships ]
Do you have a bf/gf?: yes
Do you have a crush?: him
How long have you liked him/her?: since we met
Why do you like this person?: he knows
If you're single... why are you single?:
If you're not single... give details...: ROSEBUD
How long was your longest relationship?: 11 months
How long was your shortest relationship?: a day?
how long do you think the shortest have been? what?
Who was your first love?: chris
What do you miss about them?: i miss him when i feel alone
[ the past ]
What is the one thing you would change about your past?: being naive and drinking to not be myself
Last thing you heard: trail of dead
Last thing you saw: screen?
Last thing you said: okay
Who is the last person you saw?: dad
Who is the last person you kissed?: chris
Who is the last person you hugged?: chris
Who is the last person you fought with?: chris
Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: chris-ROSebud
What is the last TV show you saw?: mtv movie awards
What is the last song you heard?: trail of dead
[ the present ]
What are you wearing?: jeans and a shirt
What are you doing?: this
Who are you talking to?: andrew
What song are you listening to?: bright eyes, you will? will you.
Where are you?: basement
Are you online?: thats a dumb question
How are you feeling?: depressed and motivated, crazy combo
Are you in a chatroom?: no
[ future ]
What day is it tomorrow?: technically Monday
What are you going to do after this?: not sure
Who are you going to talk to?: chris, i hope
Where are you going to go?: my room
How old will you be when you graduate?: 18
What do you wanna be?: not sure
What is one of your dreams? be an interesting independent woman, like the ones that i love reading about
Where will you be in 25 years?: ROSEBUD
[ have you ever ]
Drank?: you
Smoked?: will
Had sex?: die
Stolen?: in
Done anything illegal?: seven
Wanted to die?: days
Hit someone?: THE RING
[ other ]
Do you write in cursive or print?: print
Are you a lefty or a righty?: righty
What is your sexual preference?: dah males
What piercings do you have?: ears
Any tattoos?: nope
Do you drive?: yep
Do you have glasses or braces?: nope
[ physical appearance ]
What do you most like about your body?: top of my neck to my thighs
And least?: legs, arms, facial structure
How many fillings do you have?: 3
Do you think you're good looking?: on occasion
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: yes
Do you look like any celebrities?: i guess helen hunt kind of
[ fashion ]
Do you wear a watch?: sometimes
How many coats and jackets do you own?: a few
Favorite pants/skirt color?: black.
most expensive item of clothing?: leather jacket i never wear
Most treasured?: pants ive had since 8th grade
What kind of shoes do you wear?: converse or the ones ive had since freshman year
Describe your style in one word: comfortable
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| Thursday, June 5th, 2003
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12:37 pm - not understanding a thing youve said
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tonight is the prom
i got some claws put on
my toesies are cute
people ODing
and my man hasnt called me, and i need my hairspray...
fuck
current mood: anxious
current music: a perfect circle
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whowantscake's journal